Dear Johnson / Johnny,

I hope this email finds you well sane. If you are reading this, it means that you’re looking back at things – like you usually do. Seriously, it’s a bad habit man; you need to let go. But I just hope you’re looking back at this and smiling…in a good way and not that thing you do when you want to avoid expressing your feelings. I hope you’ve let that bad habit go too.

Just to be clear: I have hoped for a lot of things for you here. So, you’ll find the word ‘hope’ over and over. Try not to be irritated – even if you haven’t got them done. I know how it bugs you when you’re reminded of your failures so subtly, but I want you to know it’s okay. Except if you haven’t got anything done and you’re still the same version of me but older. Then, it’s not. You need to get your shit together. But that, too, depends on the circumstances. Okay…this is getting out of hand. I just hope things are okay with you there and then. (And I desperately hope that you’re better at your vocabs).

an email to myself - hope

So, yeah…things aren’t looking very good right now, but you know that already. I don’t have to elaborate to you how I’ve wasted our better years; fighting my own self in my head, trying to cure something I think I gave to myself. And oh yeah, you better have opened yourself to sit through a proper therapy session! You need that. We need that. But I hope we’re past needing that too. I know…it’s confusing.

And I also hope you are finally able to speak up about things that disturb your mental peace without practising it in your head a thousand times, and in doing so I hope you’ve realized something important. I hope you’ve realized your mental health is more important than your career, money, others’ opinions, the events you’d said you’d attend, your partner’s mood, your family’s wishes…combined. If taking care of yourself means you’ve let someone down, let them down.
I haven’t been able to realize that yet – or maybe I do – but am trying to fight it. Don’t know what is it with me, but maybe you’ve figured it out.

I hope you’ve pushed your boundaries, but tried to be kinder to yourself. I know you need the first, and you know you need the second. And it’d be best if you could let me know that you’ve moved on from self-deprecating jokes to self-appreciating ones.

Now I know that you’ve not become all I’d hope for. For someone who does so little, I do have a lot of expectations from myself, don’t I? Yeah…I’m sorry about that. But I hope you’ve walked a few steps the right way.

But again, I hope it’s not all good for you because then, you’ll settle…like I did like we did in the past. I hope there are some tough times ahead. I hope you go through shit, get your alphabets butchered, be lost in translation, be left alone in places your tarot cards could never predict. Some days you crash beneath the waves and other days you die of thirst; I hope you get your heart broken, and healed, and broken again only to decipher the sadness into words. I hope you rage and craze, and graze on the sorrow and hurt, and turn page after page of new chapters only to find cliffhanger endings.

I hope you find a place to write deceitful poems in, and find people to believe your lies;  hope you see others doing the very thing you are not, and that jealousy eats you, forces you to get painfully get started. I hope the desire for glory benumbs your fingers. I hope no one reads your blog for years but you don’t stop petting dogs and I hope you’ll find the fodder, to write in disorder.

What I want to say is, I hope that you’re still writing and not stuck somewhere you hate in a weird cycle where work is exhausting and your hobbies feel like too much work so you don’t do them and go back to work upset that you didn’t take the time to do the things you like or write, and rinse and repeat. I hope you’re doing what you love.

In fact, I hope this email does not find you. I hope that you’ve escaped and that you are free.


Regards,
Johnson Shrestha, 01-2021

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